I do two things really well: being stubborn and trying to lead.
When dancing, it is just so hard to be led. I don’t know if it is that way for everyone, or just me, but I am certain that my stubbornness and my attempt-to-always-be-in-control have a huge impact on me while dancing.
All that to say…those two character traits are often problematic…and oh my gracious they have no place in this adoption journey! It is universal language among adoptive families to ‘be flexible.’ Flexible. Okay. Let’s talk about that and let us fill you in on what God is doing….buckle up.
We are in the ‘wait.’ The long wait where everything is out of our hands and everything is in the hands of…well, lots of other people, red tape, government, etc. That hasn’t exactly changed. Not exactly.
I’m just going to need to back up. I often ramble when I’m excited/nervous/clueless and I’m kind of all three of those things right now. Many of you know my story. I was holding a Romanian special-needs toddler in an orphanage in Tirgu Mures, looking at his grin and deep brown eyes, and bam…clear as day I knew God was telling me I’d adopt in the future. That is how this whole thing started (or at least, that is the moment I can pinpoint it to. I’m sure God was at work long before that March 2004 trip, but I can definitely pinpoint that date). Ever since then, my thoughts and heart on adoption have been focused toward my child that is across the ocean. Somewhere. From then until 2 years ago, I spent many hours looking at different country programs, fees, agencies, orphanages, blogs, etc. God so very clearly led us to Lesotho. Oh how I could fill a book with the ways He has directed our steps so far! (Our blog is filled with testimony of His faithfulness. Pull up a chair and your favorite cup of hot cocoa and read some posts. I get teary-eyed rereading our journey thus far.)
Some of you, close friends and family, know how opposed I was to adopting domestically. There are many reasons why my heart was more focused on overseas, but 2 things were said over a year ago that I have chewed on over and over and over since. Neither of these things were said to open my eyes, but were rather said in conversations about other things, BUT God used them in big ways. One of these things was said by Zane, my husband: “Every child needs a family. No matter where a child is, every child needs a family.” And the other was said by my dear friend, Christy: “We adopt because we love birth mothers.” I really had to dig down deep and process what these two things meant-in their entirety. How much they mean. The depth of the truth in that.
We hit a wall a few months back. I started questioning if our 3rd child is indeed in Lesotho. This timeline is not turning out to be what we thought. We are looking at 4 years before receiving our referral to bring our child home from Lesotho if the process continues to take as long as it currently is…maybe even longer. The mother in me, and the desire to have more children in my home *now* started clawing at my heart. It became hard to sift through my emotions…are we supposed to continue to wait? Are we supposed to switch programs? I no longer had a peace about staying in the Lesotho program. But I definitely did NOT have a peace about leaving the Lesotho program either. I also didn’t want to rely on my feelings and emotions. I know better. After all, the heart is deceitful above all else (Jeremiah 17:9). Let’s just say we have been pleading with the Holy Spirit to lead us. What is He teaching us right now? Where does He want us to go? What is God molding our journey into? The words “Lead Me” were filling up my prayers even when I wasn’t able to speak.
And we kept coming back to ‘domestic.’ We kept coming back to it. Both of us, praying together and separately, kept coming back to domestic. Those of you who know me closely know that this would not have been a word I would have heard two years ago. “My child is overseas” I said. (Praise the Lord that He is continually growing us and shaping our hearts to look more like His….I do not like who I was two years ago! I need Him to continue growing me, for His glory.) I called two different people and poured my heart out. I knew these two women had been praying through this whole journey with us. They are prayer warriors and I knew I could ask them to pray with us through what we felt was taking place. And you know what..the Holy Spirit had already been leading them. One of them told me that about 6 months ago, she became burdened to pray for me and our child…she couldn’t put her finger on it but felt that perhaps our 3rd child wasn’t in Lesotho, but maybe somewhere else, and she knew she needed to pray that I would not be stubborn but would hear God and follow His leading, should He lead us elsewhere. The other woman I called told me that a few weeks ago, she started to put in her email to me “have you thought about adopting domestically?” but could feel the Holy Spirit nudging her that now was not the time to mention that…to let Him tell me.
I cannot express in words the importance to hear that not only was the Holy Spirit leading my husband and I in a similar direction, but these two women that I trust and love so dearly were also being led by the Spirit in certain ways to pray for us. Wow, what an awesome God we serve!
Sooo…..I took some infant multivitamins to our adoption agency on a Thursday several weeks ago. (A mission team is heading to orphanages in Lesotho and the children there need vitamins. A friend of a friend got a whole crate of vitamins donated and gave them to me to take to our agency <–what a gift!) When I walked in to our agency, I met the woman who our agency had recently brought back (she use to work for them and then took some time off) to revamp their domestic program. So with our two kids running around their office, I asked “can I sit down and talk with you?” And she said yes. And I called up Zane when I left, and we both agreed we needed to go back to our agency and talk with them together.
I called up another friend. I told her everything that was going on. And bless her heart, she is wise beyond her years. And she told me, and I know it to be true, that no matter where our child is, God will lead us to him or her. That child is always the plan. And one day it will make sense. (I have a lot of really wise friends that I cling to. I’m so thankful God has put them in my life!)
Alright, so here is the update…unless you want to wait a little longer 🙂 We are now officially in TWO programs. WHAT?! You know how I mentioned not having peace about staying in or leaving the Lesotho program…yeah, well….apparently we aren’t supposed to leave the program. We are just supposed to add another program. The Lesotho program AND the Domestic program. What does this mean? Well, for one, it means that we are crazy.
How will this work? Well…
We are fully funded…for our Lesothan child. Most of that money can transfer to a domestic adoption if need be. BUT, domestic adoption also has the great potential to be more costly (between $30-$35k as opposed to roughly $31k for Lesotho) so we are going to continue crafting indefinitely. (Woo hoo! I love crafting.) We are not remotely expecting a referral from Lesotho to come soon. But, we might have a birth mother pick us tomorrow. There might be a child abandoned at the hospital next week that our adoption agency feels is our child. We might get a call from our agency in a month saying, “we have your child.” We might also continue waiting and no birth mother pick us. <–all that means is that every single day we are soaking up being a family of 4 because any day that could change.
You might be wondering are we definitely adopting two children then. Honestly, we don’t know. Chances are, we will be matched domestically first and bring home our child. Depending on our family dynamic at that point will determine if we continue in the Lesotho program as we currently are, ask to be moved down the ‘wait list’ so that we have more time adjusting as a family of 5, or if our family of 5 needs more time and care, halt our Lesotho adoption. We really don’t know. (How’s that for an answer?) Special needs overseas looks differently than special needs here. Our child might be addicted to drugs, or have fetal alcohol syndrome, or any other number of things could take place that would mean navigating the best care for our domestic baby one day at a time and going from there. If the Lesotho Program continues to inch along, we won’t have to make any immediate decisions regarding that. As of right now, we are in both programs and are pursuing both programs. God knows what He is doing, even when we don’t have a clue. We are going to trust that. This adoption journey requires us to let go and let God. We are clinging to Him as He leads us and we will let Him answer the question of “are we definitely adopting two children” in His time. And I’m going to beg Him to lead because I straight up don’t know this dance.
Tags: adopt, adoption, Africa, Domestic adoption, International Adoption, Lesotho, orphan